make failure a friend.

That the payment for my SIN
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's an empty grave.

And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me  c  r   i  e  s
I know my Redeemer lives

- nicole c mullen

raw material. unadultered. untempered. 

exposed. brought to light. uncovered. vulnerable.

go big. go deep, peace. go big. go deep.

and Sing.

breathe. open. let it out.

breathe again. open. let it out.

heartbeat racing? use it. feel the rythym? play it.

go louder, stronger, fill the room.

He taught the sun. and showed the moon.

worship. praise. adore.

fall in love once more...

and Enjoy.

Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith. Faith.

Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope.

Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence.

Persistence. Persistence. Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.

FAITH...

is something that can be seen, like the men digging through a roof to bring their friend to Jesus.

FAITH...

kneels, begs, and reaches out to touch   like the ruler Jairus whose daugher was on verge of death... and like the woman who'd been bleeding for twelve years.

"A rabbinic tradtion interprest Exodues 14:22 to mean that only after the Israelites had gone up TO THEIR NOSTRILS did the waters divide and expose dry ground... This is what faith is all about... It DOES NOT WAIT to see if the waters will divide and then step out. It STEPS OUT, trusting God to do what is needed."

FAITH...

it's also the only thing we really, like really ever have.... So we might as well just... Step... OUT.

the woman with the alabaster jar. her story. her life.

While [Jesus] was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an A l a b a s t e r jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this W A S T E of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages^[a] and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a Beautiful thing to me.

wow. this girl really loved Him. her alabaster, her everything. And she broke it over His head. a broken dream..... she broke her dream. she broke her dream - to pursue her own happiness, to search and find love, to give her heart, fully and totally -  for You. you were WORTH it to her. you must be worth it at all.......  

Seek ye first the kingdom of God

And his righteousness...

And all these things shall be added unto you

Hallelu - Hallelujah

"The deepest ache of the soul is the spiritual longing for connection and belonging" (Bennder, 12)

The weird thing about an ache is that there is no obvious source. Like with a bruise or a cut, not only is their a clear and identifiable mark, there is a clear and identifiable fall, stumble, missed step, unseen wall....a parent, sibling, enemy, or misdirected friend that causes the pain. I'd almost rather encounter pain that I know I can work through than the deep ache I feel that constantly reminds me of how lonely I am. There's only one person outside my family that I've ever fully trusted with my heart... And only one person ever, I've allowed myself to share my everything with... And I no longer belong to this one person, nor does he belong to me. And this is not something I can work through, something that needs resolving. Unless I'm the one that's midirected. As far as I know, the ache just has to fade... or better yet... be replaced. I long for a new sense of connection and belonging to overwhelm me. And I've stepped out to do my part in developing friendships, forming community. But I've had to retract so many times, either in disappointment with myself - my problems, my issues, my mistakes...who could love me now? - or in people - the ways they do not know me, the parts they may not accept of me, their disloyalty...how can I trust them?

"Spirituality is the discovery of the fundamental connection that exists between us and God - a connection that then properly aligns us to others, the world and our deepest self. Love is the welcome that tells us that this is where we truly belong, the assurance that we have at last found our place" (Benner, 13).

I will know where I belong when I know who loves me.

"The truth is that when God things of you, love swells in his heart and a smile comes to his face... God's love is never compromised by anger. The presence of anger does not mean the absence of love - particulary in God. Love is God's character, not simply an emotion" (Benner 16-17).

It's hard to believe. But I need to know this as truth. Or everything I approach God, I'll approach him with guilt and doubt. I need to know this, if for the very reason that withouth knowing it, I'll never again find, what I'm lookin for. Love. I'm looking for love. The kind of love that takes me as I am. The kind of love that gives me joy to awake each day and the kind of love that helps me sleep at night. The kind of love that makes me a better person.

God, I'm looking for you. And just a glimpse will do. I pray that on this Easter morning, you somehow remind me of who you are, and of who I am to you.... I pray that the Easter story - your powerful ressurection awakens my spirit to accept and experience your love... and to love you back, like I'm used to, like I need to. Help me connect to you. And help me to connect to others in a way that does justice to everyone and of course, to you. I love you, God, for so many reasons, but I love you right now, mostly because you are my only hope and I need you to make things right in me and around me. Love me, Daddy, love me like I need you to. And I promise I'll get to a place where I'm strong again. I promise.